My way to selflove!

My way to selflove! 1024 1009 Anja Zeidler

Today I needed to go through older photos, and provide them to german media, since they are soon goinf to report about my story. While I went through all these photos, it made me realize again what I all went through in my young life…

When I look back at myself in 2014, i cant really understnd what made me do what i did: steroids, breast implants, etc – I wanted to change everything about myself. I wanted everything to be different then it naturally was – but why? I can’t understand….


Actually, no, I do know why! Do you want me to tell you?

Because I felt exactly the same like most people do! I didn’t feel good enough about myself! We all go through magazines, scroll through instagram and zap through TV Channels – all we get to see are all these unreal beauty ideals and of course, we compare ourselves to them and start doubting – not on them – but on us!

 

This is what actually happened to me. I didn’t take my „inspiration“ from the media especially, I somehow stumbled into the bodybuilding scene and got fascinated by it. Today I think I know what I got facinated by: The strength of it! Why? Because, trust me, I got disappointed a lot. Also by men. Some people made me feel, that I am not good enough and this made me weak. I thought bodybuilding was going to make me stronger! Lifting heavy things! Also myself when I was low – this is what fascinated me! I wanted to lift myself up.

Unfortunately what I did then is pure weakness: I looked up to the wrong role models. I saw myself as weak, a beginner, and admired all these unreal women, like for example (no offense) Larissa Reis, Michelle Lewin or Paige Hathaway.

It took a while, but today I realize, the more i tried to get closer to them and the way they look, the more i became one of these (no offense again!) „Larissa Reis“ girls myself and posted photos of it. And those photos – of course – made other people feel the exact same then it made me feel at the beginning: They got insecure and wanted to be like me! I supported this never ending circle!

Sure, friends and family wanted to tell me to slow down, but I didn’t want to listen. I distanced myself from everything that reminded me of my true self. I went away, moved to Los Angeles. Was there deep inside hate against myself? Maybe because I used to get the feeling that I am not enough and I believed that voice? Was there more self-doubting than self-confidence?

However, I don’t wish that phase (2013-end of 2014) to be erased! Of course I dont want to experience it again and I wish nobody needs to go through all this – but this phase is what thought me so much about life and about myself!

It took quite a while, but I woke up from my surreal world. In the beginning of 2015. One of my best friends which i haven’t seen in more than 1 year faced me the mirror. Quitting with bodybuiling and all my striving for perfectionism wasnt easy at all. It took me several trials until i finally managed to quit. I think you can compare this with an anorexic. She looks at herself in the mirror and sees a fat person, even though others can clearly see her bones. Same here, I saw myself as too weak, not muscular enough, even though it wasn’t like that at all!!!! I had bigger legs than soccer players and wider shoulders than many men. My self-image was completely distorted.

But I made it out of that!!! It was not easy, especially not as a 22 year young woman, living a life in public. I only managed to get out of there with my parents support. I moved home for a while, because I needed to be loved by them and especially controlled! Behind closed doors I would have found myself in another binge eating attack and another and another and another workout session, even at night, just to burn calories and build more muscle.

I needed to learn to stop scaling my meals, to stop tracking my macros and to find joy again in sports!

The way back to my inner balance took around one and a half year. I think i can say, in summer 2016 i found myself back. I am sooo happy and proud of myself that i succeded! My inner child is back – and it is happy!!!

Today I use my publicity and my reach to empower people of all kind, all sizes and all everything to love them selves the way they are! Unfotunately, society still loves perfectionism. They prefer perfectionism over reality. Scroll though instagram! All you get to see are perfectly photoshopped figures, edited photos and no real message behind all that – BUT: These photos get engagement and crazy likes! Why? Because as said, society loves perfectionsm. Unfortunately…

I still have hope. Hope there will be more people like me. People that are not afraid to speak up and say what all this made them go through. I hope more people stand against perfectionism and stay true (to them selves and to others).

With my story, I want to inspire others to love themselves for who they are. More than just their figure, more than numbers – of course, without photoshop and breastimplants! This is not necessary tob e beautiful!

Be inspired to live BALANCED, HEALTHY, INUITIVELY AND POSITIVE!

I personally believe i experienced all this to realize who i truly am and to find my purpose in this world. I am an honest and very reflected person – and people like me are the ones who have the power to help others! We are gifted to inspire and give positive vibes to society – if they only want to listen…

16 comments
  • Larissa

    Vielen Dank, dass du deine Geschichte so offen teilst! Ich bewundere das sehr! Ich finde deinen Weg sehr spannend und du strahlst auf den Bildern heute so viel mehr Zufriedenheit und Ruhe aus als auf den vor ein paar Jahren! Selbstliebe zu thematisieren und zu sich selbst zu stehen so wie man ist, sind SO wichtige Themen! Danke für diesen Beitrag! 🙂

  • Mirco

    Toller Text. Schön wie du so offen mit deinen Schwächen umgehst und wie du dich jetzt selber glücklich machst!
    Falls du jemanden zum korrigieren deiner Texte suchst. Meine Freundin wäre perfekt geeignet. Liebe Grüsse!

  • Robin Isabella

    Liebe Anja,
    ich weiss nicht wo anfangen, ich folge dir nun seit ein paar Monaten auf Instagram, ich hab schon öfters von dir gehört, hat mich aber nie weiteres viel damit beschäftigt was du so machst. Ich gebe auch zu, zu deiner Bodybuilding Zeit wärst du auch nie Jemand “faszinierendes” für mich gewesenen, da ich damit nicht viel anfangen kann.
    Hingegen mit allem andern schon, ich kenne das alles was du berichtest und erzählst und leider stecke ich schon viel zu lange in diesem Kreis fest. Mit dem Essen und dem gesellschaftlichem Druck kenne ich mich bestens aus.
    Ich mag deine Seite extrem gerne und finde deine Message die du an den Tag lest einfach genial! Vielen Dank:-) Dies macht mir immer Mut, einfach mehr zu wagen und wer weiss vielleicht treffe ich dich mal eines Tages!
    Mach weiter so! Vor allem mit den Blogtexten die finde ich super <3
    Positiv Vibes only

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  • Jana

    Sehr ehrlich! Respekt und sehr mutig von dir, dass du auch nicht davor zurück schreckst, nicht so schöne Punkte wie Fressattacken oder den Kampf mit den Kalorien ansprichst.
    Selbstbewusstsein beinhaltet eben nicht immer automatisch Selbstliebe. Viele die nach aussen hin (relativ) selbstbewusst oder selbstsicher wirken, haben innerlich derart mit sich zu kämpfen. Depressionen, Süchte oder Zwangsstörungen können leider einige Folgen sein.
    In solchen Situationen ist das Umfeld unersetzlich und sollte die Personen auch nicht im Stich lasse. Was auf andere schnell mal arrogant wirken kann, ist für die betroffene Person meist nur ein Schutzschild, eine Maske oder das Ergebnis davon anderen gefallen zu wollen.

  • Jojo

    Sehr schön, die neuen Fotos sehen viel natürlicher und schöner aus. Wichtiger ist aber das du innerlich mit dir zufrieden bist. Wie ein kleines Baby das auch einfach nur mit sich selbst zufrieden ist. Back to the roots. Den Weg zur Selbstliebe muss jedoch jeder selbst finden. Da hilft ein Zureden nicht.
    Ich finde ich das ganz toll, was du da machst. Du beeindruckst in Zeiten des Fitness-Hypes mit einer Umkehr.

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