My way to selflove!

Today I needed to go through older photos, and provide them to german media, since they are soon goinf to report about my story. While I went through all these photos, it made me realize again what I all went through in my young life…

When I look back at myself in 2014, i cant really understnd what made me do what i did: steroids, breast implants, etc – I wanted to change everything about myself. I wanted everything to be different then it naturally was – but why? I can’t understand….

Actually, no, I do know why! Do you want me to tell you?

Because I felt exactly the same like most people do! I didn’t feel good enough about myself! We all go through magazines, scroll through instagram and zap through TV Channels – all we get to see are all these unreal beauty ideals and of course, we compare ourselves to them and start doubting – not on them – but on us!

This is what actually happened to me. I didn’t take my „inspiration“ from the media especially, I somehow stumbled into the bodybuilding scene and got fascinated by it. Today I think I know what I got facinated by: The strength of it! Why? Because, trust me, I got disappointed a lot. Also by men. Some people made me feel, that I am not good enough and this made me weak. I thought bodybuilding was going to make me stronger! Lifting heavy things! Also myself when I was low – this is what fascinated me! I wanted to lift myself up.

Unfortunately what I did then is pure weakness: I looked up to the wrong role models. I saw myself as weak, a beginner, and admired all these unreal women, like for example (no offense) Larissa Reis, Michelle Lewin or Paige Hathaway.

It took a while, but today I realize, the more i tried to get closer to them and the way they look, the more i became one of these (no offense again!) „Larissa Reis“ girls myself and posted photos of it. And those photos – of course – made other people feel the exact same then it made me feel at the beginning: They got insecure and wanted to be like me! I supported this never ending circle!

Sure, friends and family wanted to tell me to slow down, but I didn’t want to listen. I distanced myself from everything that reminded me of my true self. I went away, moved to Los Angeles. Was there deep inside hate against myself? Maybe because I used to get the feeling that I am not enough and I believed that voice? Was there more self-doubting than self-confidence?

However, I don’t wish that phase (2013-end of 2014) to be erased! Of course I dont want to experience it again and I wish nobody needs to go through all this – but this phase is what thought me so much about life and about myself!

It took quite a while, but I woke up from my surreal world. In the beginning of 2015. One of my best friends which i haven’t seen in more than 1 year faced me the mirror. Quitting with bodybuiling and all my striving for perfectionism wasnt easy at all. It took me several trials until i finally managed to quit. I think you can compare this with an anorexic. She looks at herself in the mirror and sees a fat person, even though others can clearly see her bones. Same here, I saw myself as too weak, not muscular enough, even though it wasn’t like that at all!!!! I had bigger legs than soccer players and wider shoulders than many men. My self-image was completely distorted.

But I made it out of that!!! It was not easy, especially not as a 22 year young woman, living a life in public. I only managed to get out of there with my parents support. I moved home for a while, because I needed to be loved by them and especially controlled! Behind closed doors I would have found myself in another binge eating attack and another and another and another workout session, even at night, just to burn calories and build more muscle.

I needed to learn to stop scaling my meals, to stop tracking my macros and to find joy again in sports!

The way back to my inner balance took around one and a half year. I think i can say, in summer 2016 i found myself back. I am sooo happy and proud of myself that i succeded! My inner child is back – and it is happy!!!

Today I use my publicity and my reach to empower people of all kind, all sizes and all everything to love them selves the way they are! Unfotunately, society still loves perfectionism. They prefer perfectionism over reality. Scroll though instagram! All you get to see are perfectly photoshopped figures, edited photos and no real message behind all that – BUT: These photos get engagement and crazy likes! Why? Because as said, society loves perfectionsm. Unfortunately…

I still have hope. Hope there will be more people like me. People that are not afraid to speak up and say what all this made them go through. I hope more people stand against perfectionism and stay true (to them selves and to others).

With my story, I want to inspire others to love themselves for who they are. More than just their figure, more than numbers – of course, without photoshop and breastimplants! This is not necessary tob e beautiful!

Be inspired to live BALANCED, HEALTHY, INUITIVELY AND POSITIVE!

I personally believe i experienced all this to realize who i truly am and to find my purpose in this world. I am an honest and very reflected person – and people like me are the ones who have the power to help others! We are gifted to inspire and give positive vibes to society – if they only want to listen…